Gordon's Journal

Woman is a four letter word.
I wish I knew what is going on in my life right now. Yesterday I pissed Jessie off. She didn't really do anything wrong at all - I just wanted to lash out. I wanted to prove I had a spine, that I'm not some sort of pushover with women. I blame my mother. She taught me to be passive-aggressive like I am, and now I can't stop being a doormat. In an attempt to be something I'm not (always an unwise idea) I inadvertantly made someone I care very much about angry at me. This is the sort of thing that happens to me. I try to do something different, and I end up shooting myself in the foot. Maybe not being a doormat is overrated. I know my mom's happy, or at least she has been for as long as I've known her. But does that appeal to me? Would I be able to be spineless for that long without snapping? I don't think I could handle it. How do I stop being spineless without alienating the people I care about? Despite the way she treats me (or possibly because of it) I do care very deeply about her, and I wish I would have handled the situation better. At least I know that lashing out is the wrong response.
Gee, it's 11:00 or so, and rather than doing my homework for tomorrow, I'm telling complete strangers about my lack of love life. For some reason, that seems like the wrong order to be doing things in. Oh well - if you'll sit and listen, I'll gladly bend your ear.
I suppose I should start at the beginning. Jessie is a girl from my Chem class and a fellow Pep Bander. She is pretty much everything I look for in a woman - cute, funny, intelligent, and charming. As an added bonus, she's a CS major and she likes reading sci-fi and fantasy, just like me. I naturally made the mistake of falling for her, and I subsequently made the mistake of asking her out on a date. Not just asking her on a date - the words I used were "a date type thing sort of thing". Yeah. That's right. I asked a girl out on "a date type thing sort of thing". I'm cool. Really cool.
So after she turned me down, things went back to quasi-normal. She's mean to me, in a joking sort of way, and I naturally reciprocate. Things have gone pretty much normally since then - we talk a bunch on IM about whatever. She was actually the one who came to the conclusion that I'm spineless with women, I think. So this morning, we're talking on IM, and it's like 4am. I can't sleep, and she's working, and she's giving me the usual ration of shit. I get a little bit touchy, and tell her that she needs to treat me better. She responds, quite naturally, that she might, if she thought any negative consequences would result from her not changing. So (alarm bells should be ringing at this point) I decide to show her that I'm not spineless and I block her. Today, I decided to unblock her after I got back from dinner with Ginny (who is another story entirely), and I read her profile/away message, as is my wont. Here, in its entirety, is the profile of Jessie: "If a person is to block someone for being mean, they should at least wait to do it until that someone is actually being mean to them, or that someone might get so pissed off, they decide they don't need that person's misguided friendship."
Well, shit. Good move Gordon. +10 for not being spineless, minus several million for style. So basically I'm a moron and went and pissed off someone I liked. I am the smoothest man in the world. If I were any dumber, I think I'd die of stupidity. Oh well. I've blown enough of my life talking about Jessie and how much of a moron I am - time to do some work.

Current Mood: awake

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